I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's the barista slut.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
