There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
