when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
