She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
