wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
