Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my poor anus
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
