"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
