Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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