I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
