he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
