I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
