I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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