Don't you send me to vm
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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