I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
