pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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