so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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