he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
