my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
