is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
