I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
