I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
