can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
