Having a random hookup so left but love u
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
