Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Boobs speak an international language.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
