She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
