I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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