If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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