I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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