his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
