just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
