I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
