i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
