Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
