I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
