Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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