my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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