I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
