I wanna passion pit in your ass
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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