She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sext me about skeletons
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
