Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
