You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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