I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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