we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
