If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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