Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
