i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
