Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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