Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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