my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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