the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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